Following a trail of tears.

I'm nearly seven months into this adventure. Can you believe it? Sometimes I can't. Sometimes it feels like I've been here a lot longer. Sometimes it feels like I came along last week in my reliable little Clutch (that's the name of my car, for those who don't know) and stared this crazy journey. There have been lots of bumps on the road. There are moments where I cried with absolute relief. Always, though, when asked if I thought I made the right move, I've been able to nod without a moment of hesitation and answer, "Never doubted it yet."

Last night was the first time I really began to doubt what I've done.

I know that doesn't make me terrible or an absolute failure or anything, but that doesn't make the reality any less difficult to bear. And, after going to sleep and letting my mind rest a bit on the subject of my doubts, I was able to think through it more rationally this morning.

Here's the basic gist: I'm in debt to my landlords. Thankfully, after talking to them about it, they both understand that times are hard and are willing to work with me to make ends meet. Until last night, however, I didn't realize how bad of debt I was in. November's rent is coming up, and I still owe them a last little bit for October.

Something like that is an extremely hard pill to swallow. I honestly thought that, with new insurance and after talking to them and two weeks of sales at the warehouse, I wasn't going to be in a bind after this. I thought it was going to work out well. To think of that much money, with no roommate (yet) to help with rent and a grand total of three days of work next week...

Sigh.

I began to think that maybe I'm seriously in over my head. I've barely been here for a year. I seriously considered moving back to Missouri just so I could be back in a position where I wasn't like this anymore. I mean, I've hit a really strong bout of homesickness this week. I miss the familiarity, people who care about the same things I care about, the severe weather (oh man do I miss this) the friends that I've known for years and years and years... I was entertaining the thought of moving to St. Joseph so that I could be close to Kansas City, a place I know and love, and still have my dreams within my reach because I wouldn't be in Kirksville. I wouldn't feel trapped. I always told Mom that I couldn't move back to Missouri because only being seven months into this thing and going back because it was hard "feels like quitting. And why would I quit if tough moments are a part of being an adult? That's dumb." I didn't even care about that anymore. I just want to be out of this situation!!

Then, this morning, after getting up early to watch ESPN's College Gameday in Columbia (M-I-Z! Z-O-U!) and going back to sleep, the rational thoughts flooded into my head: what on earth makes me think that moving back to Missouri is going to solve everything? I'm still going to be in debt. I'm still going to have to pay off Jay and Suze for the time here. In reality, with the money I'd have to save for gas on the trip back home, and the extra money to ship everything out, it would be more likely that I'd have paid off my debt by that point. Running back to Missouri doesn't make any sense.

Another thought struck me that I want to make sense of before I post it here, but this is the gist of where I am. Rationality has smacked me in the brain, but that doesn't really change the situation. Currently, I've fallen back to my trump card and have applied at a local grocery store, as well as a Borders and a place called Just Sports who are looking for seasonal help right now. I'm trying to do what I can to find full-time work, as well as a roommate.

What I really need right now are big doses of encouragement. Help me out here, guys. What advice can you offer? What am I supposed to do?